I can say that the choices I have made that have carried the least certainty have been the most valuable
(or, actually, saying that... only seemingly so. In fact, there was a perhaps irrational certainty or at least conviction in the pursuit of those too)
|climbing trip to the Peak District|
"fearless doubt" - the ability to move us forward by continuing to question in the face of censure, ridicule or worse. But it's not just that which gets me - it sometimes feels like having doubt is in itself something to fear and that certainty is a good per se. It feels strong to be certain. We get these entrenched viewpoints (and views of ourselves) and it can be scary to let them go or even question them to yourself let alone others. I find myself susceptible to a fear of doubt itself.
But doubt, as a genuine examination and questioning of one's beliefs or position, actions or motivations, doesn't weaken them and doesn't weaken you. Doubt can, I think, be a continually refining process toward truth (either empirical or internal.)
an iterative zeroing in on the strange attractor of where it turns out you want to be
I was writing that in the midst of the doubts that preceded some, in hindsight, necessary and awesome decision making.
In fact - better decisions and doubts and doing, than unmindful adherence to the seemingly secure status quo. And if the last few years have shown anything it's that the status quo really isn't that secure anyway.
I still get tired of unwavering certainty. The older I get, the more comfortable i am with having a healthy skepticism that you Know The Answers Either (and the more certain you sound that you do, the more I wonder how much you've thought about it.)
Right now, there are dreams we have that I am almost afraid to articulate. Dreams of acquiring our freedom and creating a good (even better) life for our little family. Moulded in the shape of what we want, rather than what seems inevitable. Dreams of moving offshore for a finite period to save for a London house purchase which would free us from the corporate cycle. Of taking a couple of years off grid in Sicily, retraining in design rather than law and beachcombing with the kiddo. The sort of dreams and decisions where writing a long list of action points and ticking things off (my usual way of gaining the calming illusion of control) won't really do anything today. Big questions and big leaps.
The one thing I feel a strong pull toward right now is the idea of walking the Camino de Santiago de Compostela (and on to Finisterre) this summer with PA, with the baby, and working things out as we walk.
Trying to find the wind and lean into it.
pics from my phone